To Honor Edwin Newman, We Appreciate the Language Lacking an Acadamie Anglaise, we have formed the: American Society Seeking Holistically Optimal Linguistic English Speaking "Cache or Credit Card?" "Troops found a huge Cachet of bombs" Julie Banderas, Fox They were very prestigious bombs. "Thank You, General" Several Network interviewers continue to call the Attorney General, "General." The Attorney General is an Attorney, not a General. The office does not contain "Attorney Captains" and "Attorney Majors." The proper form of address is: "Mister (Madam) Attorney General." Danger Will Robinson First, I believe that this President, his administration and his progressive partners in the Congress simply do not recognize the authority of the Constitution of the United States. Rather than relating to it as a binding legal document, they treat it as a departure point for an endless procession of federal court decisions that serve to redefine the nation’s constitution and laws to suit the whims of whoever happens to be occupying the judiciary at any given time. In other words, the progressive commitment to judicial activism easily trumps any sense of respect or deference to our nation’s principal founding document. Secondly, I am convinced that this President and his administration envision a powerful central government that can generally impose its will on the public – whether they like it or not. We have already seen their indifference to taxpayer protests against deficit spending and a national health care system. He has demonstrated an indifference to truth itself when he guarantees the public he won’t impose new taxes on the middle class while he pushes for a national health care plan that fails to contain health care costs while imposing a significant tax on every single citizen to pay for it. Edward T. Wimberley, PhD (in the Naples, FL News, 11/12/09) Neologistic Expressionism This is what happens when 'The Talent' tries to ad-lib: a. "Let's hope the trouble in Greece doesn't contage to the rest of Europe." CNN b. "We are efforting to reestablish the satellite link." c. "We are efforting some pictures on that." Jon Scott, FOX Censorship in Europe 'Master Suite' implies a Master Slave relationship 'Black Sheep' reinforces a negative image of all things black. A 'Gentleman's Agreement' is sexually insensitive. 'A Dark Day' is racially insensitive. We ask all members of the Society to call a Spade a Spade. Dialectical Immaterialism 1. From North Carolina's Outer Banks: If you are not from around here, you are "from off." If you intend to leave shortly, you will "go directly." If someone got your goat, you "been mommucked." If the shed out back is out of plumb, it is "whopperjawed." To rest on the front porch one goes to "set on the pizer." 2. Overheard while deep within the netherland, beyond the great river, but before the great mountains, in a place called 'The Valley of Estaline': "Chew dune ovair lykat. Skweet." We believe this patois devolved in the following steps. a. What are you doing over there like that. Let's go eat. b. What choo doin' ovair like 'at. Let's gweet. c. Chew dune ovair lykat. Sqweet. To Serve Man People of Earth. Before we...er....visit, we wish fully to understand your language. Would you please clarify the meaning of the following. Sincerely, Your friends the Kanamit. 1. We have heard some of your young people say they intend to "split." Do you have the ability to suddenly double the size of your population? That would be of great interest to us. 2. We hear the expression "Blow chunks." We wonder about the physics and material sciences involved. 3. Please explain the mathematical basis of the expression "Second to None." 4. We understand what you call the "A bomb" and "H bomb." Would you please explain the principles of the highly feared "F bomb"? Breaking News Aleve Commercial: "Two Tylenol four times a day, let's see... That would be eight tablets a day....but... I could take two Aleve.....that would be.... FOUR TIMES FEWER PILLS!" Picture the Ad executives around their Brazilian Coffeewood conference table. "So, Brad..what does 'four times fewer' really mean?" "Hank, we don't think the public can do fractions during a 30 sec commercial. "So if 100% fewer would be zero, 400% fewer would be....1/4?" "Anyone who complains will be drawing more attention to the product." "OK then, it is a win win situation. Besides, who would complain?" Exactly To Pare a Phrase The Society exhorts all members to eschew the following usages: "Exactly" ----> Notice how often 'yes' is felt to be imprecise. "Price point" ----> Did you mean...Price? "Skill set" ----> Sounds sooo more important than skills "In my view..." ----> Why can't politicians just say 'In my opinion' "Face time" ----> Or we could 'go dialogue.' "Good to Go" ---->Ready?..Set?..Good...Go! "Bang for the buck" -----> How about the linen closet? "I can't wrap my head around it." ----> Then let me wrap your head around this. "In my heart of hearts..."-----> Anatomically bizarre statement "...comfortable in his own skin..."-----> Who else's skin? Buffalo Bill? "...If you will..." -----> Thank you, no. "That being said..." -----> Yes it was, what is your point. "It is what it is" -----> Yes it is, what is your point. "Quite frankly..." "To be honest..."-----> People who say this are not. "Breaking News" -----> Come closer, I'm a break-a-you news. "Point in time" -----> It is a moment in time. (Unless it is a 'timeline'.) "Czar" (Drug czar, Car czar) -----> Picture William Bennett sitting on the throne. "Up close and personal" -----> Makes me think of Arid Extra Dry. "Due diligence" -----> Due doo. Lawyers. "Marriage of Form and Function" "Form follows Function" ----->Sullivan and Greenough were wrong. "To the next level" ----->Level 4, lingerie and housewares? "Belly of the Beast" -----> Smell the Force, Luke. "That's a good question" -----> Translation: "Lemme think" "Out There" -----> If so much is out there, what is in here? Far Out. "Up and Running" -----> You mean the computer is... 'On'? "Olde Towne Pointe Shoppe" ----> Anachroschmaltzokitsch Case in Point Reports of the death of English grammar have apparently not been exaggerated. One reads that adherents of "the rules" are now called "English Nazis," and hears contorted arguments why the 'wrong' case is now 'irrelevant.' We feel that this is baloney born of laziness, and we invite authors or editors to explain why the following example is acceptable. From The Gamble, Thomas E. Ricks, Penguin Press, 2009, pg. 222 (A fascinating analysis of Gen. Petraeus' turnaround of the Iraq war) "He was particularly influenced by the writings of Gertrude Bell, the British expert on the Middle East who was a colleague of T.E. Lawrence and spoke far better Arabic than HIM..." ....Did Re Re Re dundant "War Crimes" "Comfort Food" "Price Point" "Rain Event" Meaningless Modernisms "Down and Dirty" "...this puppy" "...this bad boy" Britanniae itae Domum Stupid marketing we wish would vanish: British announcers: "Call 1-800- Saaahndaahls" "Shay Butter" Made from the milk of the shay, a large origami bird? TV 101 OK class, the public is so stupid, they will never notice that we are idiots. Whenever interviewing the traumatized, always ask: "How does it make you feel." Pack more commercials near the end of the show. Before each break, do a dramatic 'Tease' for something insignificant. Label every item "Breaking News" for at least 24 hrs.