To Honor Edwin Newman, We Chronicle the Language Lacking an Acadamie Anglaise, we have formed the: American Society Seeking Holistically Optimal Linguistic English Speaking Dialectical Immaterialism 1. From North Carolina's Outer Banks: If you are not from around here, you are "from off." If you intend to leave shortly, you will "go directly." If someone got your goat, you "been mommucked." If the shed out back is out of plumb, it is "whopperjawed." To rest on the front porch one goes to "set on the pizer." 2. Overheard while deep within the netherland, beyond the great river, but before the great mountains, in a place called 'The Valley of Estaline': "Chew dune ovair lykat. Skweet." We believe this patois devolved in the following steps. a. What are you doing over there like that. Let's go eat. b. What choo doin' ovair like 'at. Let's gweet. c. Chew dune ovair lykat. Sqweet. To Serve Man People of Earth. Before we...er....visit, we wish fully to understand your language. Would you please clarify the meaning of the following. Sincerely, Your friends the Kanamit. 1. We have heard some of your people say they intend to "split." Do you have the ability to suddenly double the size of your population? That would be of great interest to us. 2. We hear the expression "Blow chunks." We wonder about the physics and material sciences involved. 3. Please explain the mathematical underpinnings of the expression "Second to None." 4. We understand what you call the "A bomb" and "H bomb." Would you please explain the principles of the highly feared "F bomb"? Breaking News Aleve Commercial: "Two Tylenol four times a day, let's see... That would be eight tablets a day....but... I could take two Aleve.....that would be.... FOUR TIMES FEWER PILLS!" Picture the Ad executives around their Brazilian Coffeewood conference table. "So, Brad..what does 'four times fewer' really mean?" "Hank, we don't think the public can do fractions during a 30 sec commercial. "So if 100% fewer would be zero, 400% fewer would be....1/4?" "Anyone who complains will be drawing more attention to the product." "OK then, it is a win win situation. Besides, who would complain?" Exactly To Pare a Phrase The Society exhorts all members to eschew the following usages: "Exactly" ----> Notice how often 'yes' is felt to be imprecise. "Price point" ----> Did you mean...Price? "Skill set" ----> Sounds sooo more important than skills "In my view..." ----> Why can't politicians just say 'In my opinion' "Face time" ----> Or we could 'go dialogue.' "Good to Go" ---->Ready?..Set?..Good...Go! "Bang for the buck" -----> How about the linen closet? "I can't wrap my head around it." ----> Then let me wrap your head around this. "In my heart of hearts..."-----> Anatomically bizarre statement "...comfortable in his own skin..."-----> Who else's skin? Buffalo Bill? "...If you will..." -----> Thank you, no. "That being said..." -----> Yes it was, what is your point. "It is what it is" -----> Yes it is, what is your point. "Quite frankly..." "To be honest..."-----> People who say this are not. "Breaking News" -----> Come closer, I'm a break-a-you news. "Point in time" -----> It is a moment in time. (Unless it is a 'timeline'.) "Czar" (Drug czar, Car czar) -----> Picture William Bennett sitting on the throne. "Up close and personal" -----> Makes me think of Arid Extra Dry. "Due diligence" -----> Due doo. Lawyers. "Marriage of Form and Function" "Form follows Function" ----->Sullivan and Greenough were wrong. "To the next level" ----->Level 4, lingerie and housewares? "Belly of the Beast" -----> Smell the Force, Luke. "That's a good question" -----> Translation: "Lemme think" "Out There" -----> If so much is out there, what is in here? Far Out. "Up and Running" -----> You mean the computer is... 'On'? "Olde Towne Pointe Shoppe" ----> Anachroschmaltzokitsch Case in Point Reports of the death of English grammar have apparently not been exaggerated. One reads that adherents of "the rules" are now called "English Nazis," and hears contorted arguments why the 'wrong' case is now 'irrelevant.' We feel that this is baloney born of laziness, and we invite authors or editors to explain why the following examples are acceptable. (1.) from The Gamble, Thomas E. Ricks, Penguin Press, 2009, pg. 222 (A fascinating analysis of Gen. Petraeus' turnaround of the Iraq war) "He was particularly influenced by the writings of Gertrude Bell, the British expert on the Middle East who was a colleague of T.E. Lawrence and spoke far better Arabic than HIM..." Re Re Re dundant "War Crimes" "Comfort Food" "Price Point" "Rain Event" Meaningless Modernisms "Down and Dirty" "...this puppy" "...this bad boy" Britanniae itae Domum Stupid marketing we wish would vanish: British announcers: "Call 1-800- Saaahndaahls" "Shay Butter" Made from the milk of the shay, a large origami bird? TV 101 OK class, the public is so stupid, they will never notice that we are idiots. Whenever interviewing the traumatized, always ask: "How does it make you feel." Pack more commercials near the end of the show. Before each break, do a dramatic 'Tease' for something insignificant. Label every item "Breaking News" for at least 24 hrs.